When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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