bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
