I think I died a long time ago.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
me + whiskey = a bad person
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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