You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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