What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There's even glitter on my cock...
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