Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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