We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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