i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
