Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
