Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
