I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
