I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Randomize
