i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
