I'm so fucking centered right now
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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