I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
