Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
