Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
