Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
