if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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