I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
