thus making me awesome and them whores
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
