i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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