I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
