I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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