If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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