My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
