I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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