seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
