I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
