I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
