Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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