Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
