and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
