I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
