Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
