Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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