they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
