I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
