I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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