bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
