Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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