They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
