He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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