Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
