Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
