The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
