So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
