my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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