my phone needs a breathalizer
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
