So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
